As you have seen throughout this book, a fulfilling sex life requires a lot more than a pill. There are any number of variables and conditions which can affect the attraction, as well as the performance, of two people, with one factor overriding all the rest. Without libido, the desire to bond physically with another person can be greatly diminished—or even lost. A constant presence throughout our lives, libido ebbs and flows as much as the tides. Springing from an intricate network of physiological and psychological components, libido varies from man to man. And, of course, from woman to woman.
Years of living with ED can have a profound and far-reaching effect on the libidos of both men and women. When sex is absent, often the desire to have it again is sacrificed as well. Yet, when sexual function is restored—as it can be with the new oral medications—libido doesn’t automatically jump-start in both partners equally, much less simultaneously. For many men, the desire to have sex is a logical extension of being functional again. For women, however, the reality can be very different.
Many women have told me so. Their husbands or companions, ecstatic with the return of their potency, exhibit an intense longing for sex. But often the women don’t. It’s not, they explained to me, because they don’t feel attractive or because they no longer have feelings for their partners. Rather, it’s because they have adapted to their situation, integrating the loss of sex into their daily lives. And, they confess, the idea of accessing those dormant feelings can be daunting.
Their reaction is totally understandable. The longer they have lived with men who have ED, the harder it can be for them to tap into their own sexuality. As you read in Chapter 6, there are many ways to heighten intimacy between partners. But where libido is involved, the approach is somewhat different. The best place to start is inside your head.
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